Try to Fix It First, If It Is Safe
Forty easy tips to try to fix it first, if it is safe, so you leave without regret if you leave.
Try with honesty. Safety first.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Fix a Broken Heart (Guy Winch), Conscious Uncoupling (Katherine Woodward Thomas), Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Check safety first
If there is violence or serious threat, fixing is not your task. Seek help and protect yourself.
Know your safety.
Name the problems clearly
Write the top three problems in simple words. Clear problems can be worked on.
Write three.
Share your part
Say what you will change, such as listening better. It shows good faith.
Name one.
Ask for specific changes
Say, I need us to talk before big decisions. Specific requests are easier to meet.
Ask one.
Set a trial period
Agree on three or six months of real effort and then review. A time frame helps.
Set a time.
Try couples counselling
A trained counsellor can help you hear each other. It is a strong step.
Book a session.
Use tools and books
Books, courses and exercises help. Try them together.
Pick one.
Rebuild good habits
Add date nights, daily check-ins and gratitude. Small habits shift mood.
Add two.
Notice small signs of change
Notice and thank each other for efforts. Progress deserves attention.
Notice one.
Review honestly
At the end of the trial, ask if you feel safer, happier and closer. Be honest.
Review.
Accept the outcome
If things improved, celebrate. If not, you can leave with a clear heart.
Accept it.
Example: the trial
Mina and Tom tried six months of counselling and dates. They improved and chose to stay.
Try it.
Example: the honest end
Another couple tried too and found they wanted different lives. They parted kindly.
Be honest.
Example: the habits
Daily check-ins and weekly dates helped them feel closer. They kept going.
Try habits.
Script: proposing
Could we try to work on this for three months with some help? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: sharing
One thing I will change is how I listen. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Script: asking
What is one thing you would like to change? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: reviewing
How do we both feel about our progress? Say it gently.
Use it.
Mistake: trying only one thing for one week and giving up
Real change takes time, so commit to a trial.
Commit.
Mistake: expecting only your partner to change
Both people must change, so own your part.
Own it.
Mistake: staying in an unsafe situation to fix it
Your safety is first, so seek help instead.
Seek help.
Troubleshoot: when your partner will not try
Share your needs and consider going alone to counselling. You can only control your effort.
Go alone.
Troubleshoot: when you feel hopeless about change
Talk to a counsellor and set tiny goals. Hope can return with small steps.
Seek support.
Troubleshoot: when old hurt blocks progress
Work on repair and forgiveness steps with help. Healing takes time.
Seek guidance.
Book idea: repair before you leave
Gottman’s research on repair attempts shows that many struggling couples improve when both learn new habits, such as soft start-ups and quick apologies.
Try one new habit.
Book idea: get help for patterns
Emotionally focused therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, has strong research support for helping couples out of painful cycles, so a trained guide may help you find a new path.
Look up a therapist.
Myth: trying to fix it means you are weak
Making an honest, safe effort shows commitment and gives you peace later, whatever the result.
Try with courage.
Myth: if it needs work it is not meant to be
All lasting relationships need work, so effort is normal and does not mean the relationship is wrong.
Work with kindness.
Story: Hana and Joe try six weeks
Hana and Joe agreed to six weeks of daily check-ins and a weekly date, and said it showed them clearly that they still wanted each other.
Set a trial period.
Story: Idris sees no change
Idris tried everything for a year, and when his partner would not take part, he felt peace about leaving because he had truly tried.
Define your effort.
Journal: what would I like us each to do differently for the next two months?
Clear requests make a fair trial possible.
Write two each.
Journal: what would tell me that repair is working?
Naming signs, like calmer talks or more kindness, helps you track progress.
Write three signs.
Challenge: agree on a time-limited repair plan with clear steps
A plan with a review date gives hope and prevents drifting.
Write it together.
Challenge: book a first session with a couples counsellor if it is safe
Professional guidance often helps couples see patterns clearly.
Make an enquiry.
Green flag: both of you are willing to change and take responsibility
Shared willingness is the most hopeful sign.
Say thank you.
Red flag: only one person is putting in effort
Repair needs two, so talk honestly about commitment and what you need.
Speak calmly.
Say this: I want to try, and I need us both to try for a set time
A clear, hopeful sentence that sets a gentle limit.
Use it.
Quick win: start with one small daily kindness for each other
Little acts of kindness shift the atmosphere and show good faith.
Choose one tonight.
Fun fact: couples who learn repair skills report lasting improvement
Research on couples therapy shows that skills like soft start-ups predict better outcomes.
Share it.
Think about it: if we had no children and no money problems, would I still want to try?
The answer shows what truly drives your decision.
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Can we try to work on this?”
“Here are the changes I can make.”
“What can you change?”
“Shall we see a counsellor?”
“Let us try for three months.”
“We will decide after.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Check safety first
Name the problems
Share what you will change
Ask for what you need
Try a counsellor
Set a trial period
Review honestly
Further reading
- How to Fix a Broken Heart (Guy Winch)
- Conscious Uncoupling (Katherine Woodward Thomas)
- Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Breakups, Healing and Starting Again”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Know When a Relationship Is OverNext: Talk to a Trusted Friend or Counsellor →
- Know When a Relationship Is Over
- Try to Fix It First, If It Is Safe
- Talk to a Trusted Friend or Counsellor
- Plan the Conversation Kindly
- Break Up Without Cruelty
- Say What Needs to Be Said
- Handle Mutual Friends and Shared Things
- No Contact or Friendship?
- Let Yourself Grieve
- Stop Checking Their Social Media
- Take Care of Your Body and Mind
- Lean on Friends and Family
- Learn What You Want Next Time
- Forgive and Let Go
- Rebuild Your Confidence
- Start New Habits and Goals
- Know When You Are Ready to Date Again
- Avoid Rebounds That Hurt
- Date Again With Hope
- Your Healing Plan
