Negotiate Calmly and Kindly
Eighteen easy tips to negotiate calmly and kindly, so you reach fair deals and keep good relationships.
Calm and fair. Both can win.
26 tips that really help
These ideas come from So Good They Can’t Ignore You (Cal Newport), Getting to Yes (Roger Fisher and William Ury), Mindset (Carol Dweck), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why negotiate
Negotiation is a normal part of work and life. Calm talks can bring fair deals and trust.
Prepare.
Know what matters most
List your top three priorities. Know where you can bend.
List three.
Know your alternatives
Think of other options if talks fail. It makes you feel calm.
Know your plan B.
Listen first
Ask questions and hear their needs. Understanding helps solutions.
Listen.
Share your needs clearly
Say what matters to you and why. Clear words help.
Be clear.
Offer options
Suggest two or three ways to solve it. Choices keep talks friendly.
Offer options.
Trade things you value differently
You may give what costs you little and gain what matters. Smart trades help.
Trade smartly.
Pause and take time
Ask for time to think if you need it. Good decisions need calm.
Take time.
Script: asking
Could you help me understand what matters most to you? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: options
What if we try a shorter trial and review in two months? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: pause
I would like to think about this and reply tomorrow. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Mistake: treating it as a fight
Fights damage trust, so seek a fair deal.
Be fair.
Mistake: saying yes too fast
Hasty yeses may cost you, so pause.
Pause.
Troubleshoot: when the other person is aggressive
Stay calm, lower your voice and focus on facts. Do not match anger.
Stay calm.
Troubleshoot: when you feel stuck
Take a break or ask a neutral person to help. Fresh eyes help.
Take a break.
Drill: practise a small negotiation
Negotiate something small, like a deadline, kindly this week.
Try it.
Drill: write your priorities
Write top three priorities for your next talk.
Write them.
Take notes during the talk
Notes help you keep calm and follow up.
Take notes.
Follow up in writing
Send a short summary after the talk.
Send one.
Example: the trade
Jo agreed to extra hours for a month in exchange for training. Both were happy.
Look for trades.
Example: the pause
Mei paused when pressed and replied the next day with a counter. It felt calm.
Use a pause.
Troubleshoot: when emotions rise
Take a break and return when calm.
Pause.
List what you can offer in a trade
Knowing what you can give, such as time, skill or loyalty, makes it easier to find fair deals together.
Write three offers.
Aim for a deal both sides can be proud of
A fair outcome keeps the relationship healthy, and it makes the other person glad to work with you again.
Think win-win.
Use calm, slow speech when topics get tense
A slow, kind voice cools a heated moment and shows strength, which helps both people think clearly.
Practise slow speech.
Write down what you agreed straight afterwards
A short written summary prevents confusion and shows professionalism, so send it within a day.
Send a summary.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many networking and career moments.
“Help me understand your view.”
“Here is what matters to me.”
“What if we try this?”
“I could do this if you could do that.”
“Let me think about it.”
“Thank you for working this out.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Prepare
Know your priorities
Listen first
Share needs
Offer options
Pause
Agree and thank
Further reading
- So Good They Can’t Ignore You (Cal Newport)
- Getting to Yes (Roger Fisher and William Ury)
- Mindset (Carol Dweck)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Growing Your Career”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
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