Be Open to Different Types
Forty easy tips to be open to different types of people, so you find love beyond your usual type.
Open eyes, open heart. Look beyond a type.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Modern Romance (Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg), Eight Dates (John and Julie Gottman), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Notice your usual type
Most of us have a type. Maybe you always like tall people, or funny people, or people with a certain job or style. A type is not bad. But if you keep choosing the same kind of person and you are not happy, it is time to look at your pattern. Today's tip is simple. Notice your usual type, without judging yourself. Seeing the pattern is the first step to changing it.
Write three traits that your last three partners or crushes had in common. Then ask, did these traits make me happy.
Ask what that type gave you
Every type gives you something. Maybe a type felt safe. Maybe it felt exciting. Maybe it felt like the kind of love you saw as a child. Asking what your type gives you helps you understand why you choose it. And then you can ask a better question. Does this really make me happy.
Finish these two sentences. My usual type gives me a feeling of. But it also costs me. Keep your answers short and true.
Separate surface from substance
Height, job, style and looks are on the surface. Kindness, honesty, humour and reliability are the substance. When we choose a partner, we often look at the surface first, because it is easy to see. But a relationship lives on the substance. A simple rule helps. Choose substance first, and let the surface be a lovely extra.
Write five surface traits and five substance traits that matter to you. Circle your top three overall.
Meet one person outside your type
Here is a simple experiment. The next time someone outside your usual type asks you for coffee, say yes. You do not need to promise anything. You are just curious. Treat it as a friendly adventure. Small experiments teach us more than long thinking.
Say yes to one coffee or walk with someone outside your usual type this month. Put it in your calendar now.
Give a second date a chance
First meetings can be awkward. People are nervous, and they often show only part of themselves. A second date lets you see more of the real person, and gives them the chance to relax. Many happy couples will tell you that their first date was just okay, and their second was much better.
Think of someone kind you met once, and did not see again. Ask yourself whether you would enjoy a second coffee with them.
Notice how you feel, not only how they look
After you spend time with someone, ask yourself a quiet question. How do I feel. Do I feel calm, happy and heard, or tense, small and tired. These feelings are better guides than a checklist. Your body often knows before your mind does.
After your next meeting with someone, write three words that describe how you felt. Keep these notes for a month.
Expand your social circle
If you only spend time with the same kind of people, you will keep meeting the same kind of partner. Widen your circle. Meet people of different ages, backgrounds and interests. You will learn new things, and you will see new possibilities. A bigger world makes for a bigger heart.
Choose one group or class where you would meet people different from your usual circle. Sign up or ask about the next meeting.
Learn about different cultures and views
Curiosity about different cultures and ways of thinking makes you more interesting and more kind. When you meet someone from another background, ask polite questions and listen. You may learn about food, customs, family life and beliefs that surprise you. People enjoy sharing their stories with someone who truly wants to hear them.
Ask one person from a different background about a tradition they love. Listen carefully, and thank them for sharing.
Be careful about stereotypes
It is easy to judge people by a label. They are a certain age, or from a certain place, or work in a certain job. But labels are poor guides to a person's heart. Every person is an individual, with a story of their own. Today's tip is to notice your quick judgements, and gently question them.
Think of one label you often use for a group of people. Ask yourself what you could learn if you met one person from that group with an open mind.
Ask friends what they notice
Our friends often see things about us that we cannot see. They notice when we light up, when we go quiet and when we seem most like ourselves. Asking them what they notice can give you very helpful clues about the kind of person who suits you. It is like asking a mirror that can talk.
Ask one close friend this week, what do you notice about me when I am happiest with someone. Write down their answer.
Keep your core values
Being open to different types of people does not mean ignoring your values or your safety. You can be flexible about preferences, such as height, hobbies or style, and still be firm about what matters most. Honesty, respect and kindness should never be negotiable. Open mind, firm heart. That is the balance.
Write three values that you will never compromise. Keep the note on your phone for your next date.
Example: the type change
Here is a real-life story of someone who changed his usual type, and found real happiness. It is about Ivan. He always dated artists, and always felt unsure. Then one day, he said yes to something different. His story shows that one small yes can change the direction of your life.
Write one thing you want to feel in love, such as calm, joyful or respected. Notice who in your life already gives you that feeling.
Example: the second date
Our next example is about a second date. Mina was unsure after her first date, but she gave it another chance. It shows how a small decision to try again can lead to a very different story. First impressions are just the first chapter.
Think of someone you liked, but felt unsure about after one meeting. Decide whether to send a kind message and suggest a second meeting.
Example: the friend's view
This example shows how a friend's honest view helped someone change her search. Cara's friend noticed that she glowed around gentle people. That one sentence changed how she looked for love. Sometimes the most useful advice is a simple observation.
Send one friend a message today. Ask, what kind of person do you think makes me glow. Write down their reply.
Script: saying yes
Sometimes a single sentence can change your evening. If someone asks you out and you feel curious, you can say, I would love to meet for coffee, thank you for asking. It is warm, clear and kind. Say it with a smile, and let the person know that you are glad they asked.
Practise the sentence aloud. Then say it to a friend, as a game, so that it feels natural when the moment comes.
Script: to yourself
I will give this a chance and see how I feel. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: asking about values
What matters most to you in life? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: setting a pace
I enjoy getting to know people slowly, how about you? Say it lightly.
Use it.
Mistake: saying I know my type
Types often come from habit, so test your assumptions.
Test once.
Mistake: lowering your values to be open
Open does not mean unsafe or dishonest, so stay clear on must-haves.
Keep your values.
Mistake: judging too quickly
First minutes can mislead. Give people a fair chance before you decide.
Give twenty minutes.
Troubleshoot: when you feel no spark
Spark can grow, so be fair and kind. If it does not, say thank you and part warmly.
Stay kind.
Troubleshoot: when friends tease your choices
Smile and say you are exploring. Your heart is your own business.
Stay confident.
Troubleshoot: when you worry about getting hurt
Go slowly, keep friends close and listen to your gut. Openness plus care is wise.
Slow the pace.
Drill: go on one date with an unexpected person
Say yes to one coffee with someone outside your usual type this month.
Do it.
Drill: write five traits that matter more than looks
List five traits, such as honest, kind and funny, and read them before each date.
Write five.
Book idea: surprise partners are common
Eight Dates teaches that shared values matter more than surface traits like height or job.
Write your values.
Book idea: attraction can grow
Researchers on attraction find that liking often increases as you learn what a person is really like.
Give it three dates.
Myth: you can tell in five minutes
First impressions can be wrong, and warmth often shows slowly.
Wait for the second date.
Myth: you must have a type
A type is a habit, and trying someone new may bring a better fit.
Try one different date.
Story: Fiona breaks her type
Fiona always dated bold talkers, then tried a quiet bookseller, and found real kindness.
Say yes to one new type.
Story: Dev meets an unexpected match
Dev thought he wanted a runner, but a baker with a great laugh won his heart.
Look past the checklist.
Journal: what do I really want to feel with someone?
Feelings like safe, silly and seen matter more than job titles.
Write three feelings.
Challenge: date someone outside your usual type once
A single new experience can widen your idea of attraction.
Plan one coffee.
Challenge: write a list of kindness traits
Add warmth, humour and reliability to your list before looks or status.
Keep it short.
Red flag: ruling people out by one small detail
Dropping someone for a minor point may cost you a wonderful match.
Ask what really matters.
Say this: I would like to know you better
A calm line keeps you open without promising more.
Use it after a good chat.
Quick win: say yes to a coffee with no pressure
A short, simple meeting is low risk and may surprise you.
Accept one today.
Think about it: would a close friend like this person?
Friends often see value we overlook in the rush of dating.
Ask a friend.
Mini habit: look for one admirable quality in everyone you meet
This habit trains your eyes to see goodness and opens your mind.
Try it today.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I am open to meeting new people.”
“Tell me more about you.”
“Kindness matters most.”
“Let us try a first coffee.”
“I learn from different people.”
“I stay open.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Write your usual type
Write what is behind it
Meet one person outside your type
Focus on kindness and humour
Give a second date a chance
Ask a friend for a view
Write what you learned
Further reading
- Modern Romance (Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg)
- Eight Dates (John and Julie Gottman)
- How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Dating and First Dates”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Say Yes to Social PlansNext: Write a Warm Dating Profile →
- Where Good People Meet
- Ask Friends to Introduce You
- Say Yes to Social Plans
- Be Open to Different Types
- Write a Warm Dating Profile
- Choose Photos That Look Like You
- Start Chats Without Pressure
- Stay Safe When Meeting Online Matches
- Choose an Easy First-Date Place
- Calm Your Nerves Before You Go
- Dress for Comfort and Confidence
- Set a Friendly Mindset
- Great First-Date Conversation Topics
- Listen More Than You Talk
- Show Interest Without Interrogating
- Handle Awkward Silences Kindly
- Say Goodbye Warmly
- How Soon to Text Afterwards
- Say No Kindly When It Is Not a Match
- Decide Whether to Go on a Second Date
