Handle Boredom in a Long Relationship
Forty easy tips to handle boredom in a long relationship, so you keep curiosity alive.
Keep it fresh. Be curious again.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Getting the Love You Want (Harville Hendrix), Fair Play (Eve Rodsky), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Boredom is normal
Long relationships have steady rhythms. Boredom is a signal to add fresh moments, not a sign of failure.
Be kind.
Name it gently
Say, I feel our days are a bit repetitive, and I would love some new fun. Avoid blame.
Say it.
Make a list of new things
List ten things to try, such as a class, a new cafe or a short trip. Pick one a month.
List ten.
Change small routines
Eat somewhere new, take a different walk or swap evening roles. Small changes spark interest.
Change one.
Plan surprises
Take turns planning a surprise date or small gift. Surprise creates excitement.
Plan one.
Learn something together
A dance class, language lesson or cooking course gives shared goals and laughter.
Sign up.
Travel, even nearby
A day trip to a new town gives fresh views. Explore as tourists.
Plan a day trip.
Be curious about them
Ask questions you have never asked. People hold many stories.
Ask five.
Keep personal growth going
Individual hobbies bring new stories to share. Two growing people stay interesting.
Grow too.
Create new traditions
Start something fun, such as a monthly adventure. Traditions keep joy alive.
Start one.
Seek help if boredom hides deeper problems
If the distance feels heavy, a counsellor can help. Many couples benefit.
Consider it.
Example: the monthly adventure
Each month they try something new, from pottery to kayaking. They never feel bored.
Start a monthly adventure.
Example: the surprise
Leo planned a mystery picnic. His wife said she felt like a teenager again.
Plan a surprise.
Example: the questions
They asked each other twenty new questions from a card deck and learned surprising things.
Use a card deck.
Script: sharing
I would love to add some new fun to our days. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
What is something new you would like to try together? Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: planning
It is my turn to plan a surprise this month. Say it playfully.
Use it.
Script: thanking
Thank you for trying new things with me. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: expecting your partner to entertain you
Share the effort, so plan fun together.
Share it.
Mistake: looking outside the relationship for excitement
It damages trust, so create fun within it.
Create it together.
Troubleshoot: when you lack time or money
Choose free or short ideas, such as a sunrise walk or a library visit. Simple works.
Go simple.
Troubleshoot: when your partner resists new things
Start small and ask what they would enjoy. Slow steps help.
Start small.
Troubleshoot: when boredom feels deep
Talk honestly and consider counselling. There may be hidden hurts.
Seek help.
Drill: change one routine this week
Try a new route, meal or evening plan.
Change one.
Book idea: the paradox of familiarity
Esther Perel explains that long relationships balance security and novelty, so boredom is a sign that the adventure side needs some attention.
Add adventure.
Book idea: self-expansion
Arthur Aron’s research shows that couples who learn new things together feel more in love, so try a class or a hobby side by side.
Learn something new.
Myth: boredom means you picked the wrong person
Boredom is normal in long relationships and can be fixed with new experiences and growth.
Stay hopeful.
Myth: excitement must happen on its own
Excitement is often created by choice, with plans, play and surprise.
Create it.
Story: Wen and Joe try dance classes
Wen and Joe signed up for salsa, felt silly at first, and laughed so much that the old spark returned.
Try a class.
Story: Hari plans a mystery date
Hari planned a mystery evening and his wife said it felt like being courted again.
Plan a mystery.
Red flag: you only fix boredom by looking outside the relationship
Bring energy back inside, and seek a counsellor if needed.
Talk honestly.
Think about it: what would a playful version of us do this weekend?
Imagining a lighter version of yourselves can spark ideas that bring back energy.
Write one idea.
Think about it: which parts of ourselves have we not shared lately?
Rediscovering each other’s hidden sides can bring back the feeling of adventure.
Write two parts.
Mini habit: share one new idea or thought with your partner every day
Daily sharing keeps curiosity alive and helps you see each other as growing people.
Start today.
Mini habit: plan something to look forward to each month
Anticipation itself is a joy, and a monthly plan keeps the relationship moving forward.
Mark one in your calendar.
Quick win: change one small routine, like the route you walk or the cafe you visit
A small change can wake up your senses and give you a fresh shared story.
Try it this week.
Fun fact: new experiences release dopamine, the feel-good chemical
Neuroscience suggests novelty helps bonding, which is why trying new things together works.
Share it.
Green flag: you can laugh together about your ruts and routines
Humour about your patterns shows you feel secure enough to change them.
Enjoy it.
Say this: let us do something new this weekend, just for fun
An easy, friendly invitation makes it simple to say yes.
Use it.
Red flag: you only feel excitement when you look outside the relationship
Bring energy back inside by planning shared novelty, and seek a counsellor if the pattern continues.
Talk honestly.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I feel a little bored.”
“I would love some fun.”
“Let us try something new.”
“Let us be silly.”
“What would you like to try?”
“We feel alive again.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice the boredom
Share kindly
Make a new-things list
Plan a surprise
Change a routine
Learn together
Review
Further reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- Getting the Love You Want (Harville Hendrix)
- Fair Play (Eve Rodsky)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Solving Common Relationship Problems”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Talk About Intimacy With CareNext: Bring Back Small Joys →
- Talk About Money Without Fighting
- Agree on a Simple Budget
- Handle Debt Together
- Spend and Save as a Team
- Share Chores Fairly
- Stop Nagging and Start Asking
- Handle Different Cleanliness Levels
- Say Thanks for Daily Work
- Handle Busy Schedules
- Put Phones Away for Time Together
- Fix the Feeling of Being Ignored
- Balance Work and Love
- Reconnect When You Feel Like Roommates
- Talk About Intimacy With Care
- Handle Boredom in a Long Relationship
- Bring Back Small Joys
- Get Through Stress and Job Loss Together
- Handle Illness and Hard Seasons
- Handle Different Dreams and Goals
- Make Big Decisions as a Team
