Make Big Decisions as a Team
Forty easy tips to make big decisions as a team, so major choices feel fair and wise.
Decide together. Slow and wise.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Getting the Love You Want (Harville Hendrix), Fair Play (Eve Rodsky), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Big decisions shape life
Moving, jobs, children and money change everything. Good process makes better choices.
Be careful.
Name the decision clearly
Write it in one sentence. Clear focus prevents confusion.
Write it.
Share feelings first
Each says how they feel about the choice and why. Feelings guide values.
Share them.
Gather facts
Collect numbers, options and advice. Facts balance feelings.
List facts.
List pros and cons
Write them together on one page. Seeing the list helps clarity.
Write it.
Think about long-term effects
Ask how the choice will feel in one year and five years. Long views help.
Ask both.
Take your time
Sleep on it for a few days if possible. Rushed choices cause regret.
Wait a night.
Seek advice from trusted people
Talk to wise friends or professionals. Keep the final decision between you.
Ask one.
Choose a decision rule
Agree whether both must say yes or if someone leads in some areas. Clear rules reduce fights.
Agree a rule.
Decide together and commit
Once decided, support the choice fully. Do not sabotage it.
Commit.
Review after a trial
Set a date to check how it feels and adjust. Flexibility helps.
Set a date.
Example: the pros and cons
Lia and Tom wrote pros and cons about moving and found they wanted different things. They found a middle city.
Write both.
Example: the sleep
They delayed a house purchase by a week and decided calmer.
Sleep on it.
Example: the review
Six months after a move, they checked in and adjusted their plans. It helped them feel in control.
Review.
Script: naming
The decision we need to make is this. Say it clearly.
Use it.
Script: asking
How do you feel about this choice, and what worries you? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: pausing
Let us sleep on it and talk tomorrow. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: committing
We decided together, and I am with you. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Troubleshoot: when you disagree strongly
Take a break, get more information and consider a counsellor. A mediator can help.
Seek help.
Troubleshoot: when one person always gives in
Notice the pattern and share your feelings. Aim for fairness over time.
Be fair.
Troubleshoot: when the decision is urgent
Do a quick pros and cons list and choose the safest path. Review later.
Choose safely.
Use a simple decision journal to record choices and reasons
Looking back later helps you learn from decisions without blame.
Start a journal.
Include a trial period in big decisions where possible
Trying a plan for three months lowers fear and lets you adjust with real facts.
Add a trial.
Invite a neutral friend or adviser for very large choices
An outside view can reveal blind spots and keep the talk calm.
Ask one adviser.
Book idea: decide as a team
Many couples find a simple process helps: share information, list options, name feelings, then choose and review, so both feel part of the decision.
Use the steps.
Book idea: the regret test
Decision experts suggest asking which choice you will regret less in ten years, which gives a clear long view when feelings are mixed.
Ask the question.
Myth: one of us should always decide
Shared decisions need both voices, and the person who cares more can lead on that topic.
Share the say.
Myth: delay avoids conflict
Postponing big decisions can create stress, so set a date to decide.
Set a date.
Story: Carla and Ben compare lists
Carla and Ben each wrote pros and cons for moving cities, shared them calmly and found they wanted similar things.
Write lists.
Story: Hugo sleeps on it
Hugo and his partner agreed to wait a night before big choices, and said better decisions followed.
Wait a night.
Fun fact: shared decisions improve satisfaction
Studies link joint decision-making with happier couples.
Share it.
Think about it: what small test could we try before a big commitment?
A small experiment lowers risk and gives you real information before a big step.
Write one idea.
Think about it: how will we review this decision in six months?
Planning a review keeps the choice flexible and removes the fear of getting it wrong.
Set a date.
Mini habit: hold a monthly future talk about your plans and dreams
Regular talks keep both of you in the loop and prevent big surprises.
Mark it.
Mini habit: thank each other after any big decision is made
Gratitude closes the decision with warmth and makes the next one easier.
Say it tonight.
Quick win: write down the decision and the reasons you chose it
A short record helps you remember why and stops later blame.
Do it now.
Fun fact: shared decision-making is linked with happier couples
Studies show couples who decide together feel more satisfied and more committed.
Share it.
Journal: what matters most to me about this decision and why?
Clarity about your values helps you speak honestly and listen openly.
Write three things.
Journal: what am I most afraid of in this decision?
Naming the fear helps you and your partner address it directly.
Write it.
Challenge: write a joint decision page with options, values and fears
A shared page helps both of you see the whole picture and feel part of the choice.
Do it this week.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Here is what I think.”
“What do you think?”
“Let us list pros and cons.”
“Let us sleep on it.”
“Let us choose together.”
“We made it together.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Name the decision
Share feelings
List pros and cons
Gather facts
Sleep on it
Decide together
Review later
Further reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- Getting the Love You Want (Harville Hendrix)
- Fair Play (Eve Rodsky)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
