Know When to Leave
Forty easy tips to know when to leave, so you protect your safety and wellbeing with courage.
You deserve safety. Leaving can be love for yourself.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Set Boundaries, Find Peace (Nedra Tawwab), Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend), The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
You can always choose safety
If a relationship harms your body, mind or spirit, you may choose to leave. It is not failure.
Know you can.
Know the signs it may be time
Repeated disrespect, threats, control, humiliation, violence or refusal to change are serious signs.
List them.
Notice how you feel over time
If you feel fearful, small or exhausted most days, take it seriously. Your feelings are data.
Write what you feel.
Talk to someone you trust
A friend, family member, doctor or counsellor can help. You do not need to decide alone.
Reach out.
Contact a helpline
Helplines are free and private and can help with planning. Save a number.
Save one.
Make a safety plan
Plan where you will go, who will help and how you will leave. Keep it private.
Make a plan.
Prepare essentials
Documents, keys, money and medicine in a safe place or with a friend. Prepare quietly.
Gather items.
Choose a safe place
A friend, family or shelter. Write addresses and numbers.
Choose one.
Leave calmly and safely
Choose a time when it is safest. Tell trusted people.
Plan the time.
Seek legal and practical advice
Support services can help with housing, legal steps and money. Ask them.
Ask for advice.
Care for your heart
Seek counselling and support groups. Healing needs time and kindness.
Plan support.
Example: the plan
Rosa saved a helpline number and made a plan with her sister. When she needed to leave, she was ready.
Plan quietly.
Example: the support
Chen found a support group and said it helped him feel less alone.
Find a group.
Example: the new start
After leaving, Ana found counselling and slowly rebuilt her confidence.
Seek counselling.
Script: telling a friend
I do not feel safe in my relationship, and I need help planning. Say it clearly.
Use it.
Script: helpline
I am worried about my safety and I would like advice. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: leaving
I am going to stay somewhere else for a while. Say it firmly.
Use it.
Script: to yourself
I deserve safety, respect and peace. Say it gently.
Use it.
Mistake: telling the harmful person your plan
It can raise risk, so keep it private.
Keep private.
Mistake: blaming yourself
Harm is never your fault, so be kind to you.
Be gentle.
Troubleshoot: when you have children
Prioritise their safety and ask services for guidance. Helplines can advise on safe leaving.
Seek advice.
Troubleshoot: when you have no money
Many services help with housing and funds. Ask a helpline.
Ask a helpline.
Troubleshoot: when you fear what will happen
Fear is understandable. Professionals can help plan safely.
Speak to support.
Write your leaving steps in order so they are ready
A short list with the first step, such as calling a friend, makes it easier to act when you feel frozen.
Write three steps.
Tell one trusted person where to find your key papers
If you ever need to go quickly, a friend knowing where your documents are can make things safer and easier.
Tell one person.
Plan how you will care for your heart after leaving
Arrange counselling, supportive friends and gentle routines before the hard days arrive.
Plan support.
Book idea: safety is non-negotiable
Domestic safety guidance stresses that fear, threats, violence or control are reasons to seek help and consider leaving, and not a test of love.
Know the signs.
Book idea: leaving is a process
Experts explain that leaving a harmful relationship often takes planning and support, and the first steps can be small and secret.
Plan safely.
Myth: staying proves love
Love does not require you to accept harm, and leaving can be an act of self-respect.
Choose safety.
Myth: if you leave it means you failed
Choosing safety and wellbeing is a success, not a failure.
Be proud.
Story: Beth finds support
Beth called a helpline, shared her fear and was helped to make a safe plan, and she said she felt less alone.
Make a call.
Story: Idris leaves after repeated disrespect
Idris saw that his partner mocked his boundaries again and again, ended things calmly and found peace.
Trust your pattern.
Journal: what would I tell a friend in my position?
Often your advice shows your own truth.
Write it.
Green flag: after repeated honest talks, they change their behaviour
Real change over time is a good sign.
Notice it.
Red flag: threats, violence, control or constant boundary violations
These are serious, so seek specialist help and a safety plan.
Reach out now.
Fun fact: support services are confidential
Helplines exist to help you plan, with no judgement.
Share it.
Journal: what would I tell a close friend who was in my position?
Often your advice to a friend reveals what your own heart already knows to be true.
Write the advice.
Journal: what do I need around me in order to feel safe?
Naming people, places and money needs helps you build a clear and practical plan.
Write your list.
Challenge: save one helpline or trusted contact number in your phone today
Help that is ready in advance is faster and less scary to use when you need it.
Do it now.
Challenge: tell one trusted person about your concerns this week
Support reduces risk and makes difficult choices feel lighter to carry alone.
Choose someone.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I need to be safe.”
“I have a plan.”
“I will ask for help.”
“I choose my wellbeing.”
“I will care for myself.”
“I deserve respect.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
List warning signs
Talk to a trusted person
Make a plan
Prepare essentials
Choose a safe place
Leave calmly
Seek support
Further reading
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace (Nedra Tawwab)
- Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
- The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Healthy Boundaries and Respect”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Stay Calm and Firm
- What Is a Boundary?
- Why Boundaries Make Love Stronger
- Know Your Own Limits
- Spot Where You Need Boundaries
- Say No Without Guilt
- Explain Your Needs Calmly
- Use Short, Clear Words
- Repeat Your Boundary Gently
- Ask for Alone Time Kindly
- Keep Your Friends and Hobbies
- Share Time Fairly
- Respect Their Space Too
- Set Phone and Social Media Rules
- Agree on Money Boundaries
- Respect Privacy and Trust
- Handle Exes and Old Friends
- Respond When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
- Handle Guilt Trips and Pressure
- Stay Calm and Firm
- Know When to Leave
