Handle Exes and Old Friends
Forty easy tips to handle exes and old friends, so the past does not disturb the present.
Clear and calm. Respect the new.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Set Boundaries, Find Peace (Nedra Tawwab), Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend), The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Exes can stir feelings
Jealousy or worry about exes is common. Open talk prevents damage.
Talk early.
Share your history at a fitting time
Tell important facts without every detail. Honesty with kindness works.
Share kindly.
Do not compare
Never compare your partner to an ex. It hurts and is unfair.
Avoid comparing.
Agree on what contact is okay
Some couples accept friendship with exes, others keep distance. Decide together.
Agree openly.
Be open about messages
If an ex contacts you, tell your partner kindly. Transparency prevents suspicion.
Tell them.
Respect your partner’s feelings
If they feel uneasy, listen. Their feelings are valid.
Listen.
Reassure them
Say, I am committed to you, and you come first. Reassurance calms fear.
Reassure.
Handle social media
Agree about following, liking and messaging exes. Clear rules prevent hurt.
Agree rules.
Treat old friends kindly
You can stay friends with others as long as it fits your relationship. Balance matters.
Balance it.
Introduce when it feels right
Let your partner meet old friends so they feel included. Openness builds trust.
Introduce them.
Cut contact if it harms the relationship
If contact causes harm, you may need to stop. Choose your partnership.
Decide kindly.
Example: the open message
When an ex texted, Dan told his wife and they decided to reply briefly. She felt trusted.
Share it.
Example: the agreement
They agreed not to message exes privately but to be friendly in groups. Both felt safe.
Agree it.
Example: the reassurance
Mia told her partner, I love you and I choose you. His worry eased.
Reassure.
Script: sharing
An old friend messaged me and I wanted you to know. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
What would make you feel comfortable about my old friends? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: reassuring
You are my priority, and I am glad to share my life with you. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: agreeing
Can we agree on how we handle contact with exes? Say it gently.
Use it.
Troubleshoot: when an ex keeps contacting you
Say a clear boundary, such as please do not message me, and block if needed. Tell your partner.
Set a boundary.
Troubleshoot: when your partner still talks about an ex
Share your feelings and ask for care. Seek counselling if it continues.
Talk kindly.
Troubleshoot: when children are involved
Keep contact respectful and focused on children. Agree on rules together.
Agree on rules.
Drill: talk about how you handle exes
Have an open ten-minute talk with your partner.
Talk tonight.
Tell your partner when an ex contacts you, before it becomes a secret
Telling early shows loyalty, keeps trust strong and usually takes the sting out of the message.
Share early.
Agree together how you will reply to messages from exes
A shared plan, such as one polite reply or no reply, keeps both of you comfortable and secure.
Plan the reply.
Reassure your partner with actions, not only words
Small acts such as putting your phone away or choosing them first help calm worries more than long speeches.
Do one small act.
Keep old photos and gifts in a way that respects your partner
Storing mementos in a box rather than on display can show care without erasing your history.
Decide together.
Book idea: past partners are part of the story
Relationship therapists suggest treating exes as part of someone’s history, and agreeing clear, respectful rules for contact so no one feels threatened.
Agree on rules.
Book idea: transparency without possession
Esther Perel notes that healthy love tolerates old connections while keeping honesty, so tell the truth about contact early.
Be open.
Myth: staying friends with an ex is always a red flag
It can be fine when it is open, respectful and your partner feels secure, and when it is not, adjust.
Talk it through.
Myth: you should never ask about exes
Calm curiosity, not interrogation, can build understanding, so ask kindly and listen.
Ask gently.
Story: Nora meets her partner’s ex
Nora and her partner agreed that she would meet the ex once in a group, and the mystery faded.
Meet in a group.
Story: Eric sets a boundary on late-night messages
Eric asked his partner not to message an old flame late at night, and she agreed with a hug.
Name the time.
Journal: what makes me uneasy about their ex or old friend?
Naming the exact feeling helps you ask for what you need.
Write it.
Challenge: write two clear rules about contact with exes together
Simple agreements, like no secret meetings, prevent trouble.
Draft them.
Red flag: secret contact or lies about an ex
Hidden contact breaks trust, so address it directly.
Ask calmly.
Fun fact: jealousy about exes is common
Surveys show most people feel it at some point, and honest talk reduces it.
Share it.
Journal: what makes me uneasy about their ex or an old friend?
Naming the exact feeling helps you ask for what you need instead of reacting in the moment.
Write it down.
Journal: what would I want if the situation were reversed?
Imagining their side builds empathy and helps you find a fair agreement for both of you.
Write your answer.
Green flag: they are open about messages from old partners without being asked
Openness shows trust and makes it easy for you to feel safe and relaxed.
Say thank you.
Mini habit: tell your partner when an old partner or friend contacts you
A quick, relaxed mention prevents suspicion and keeps trust strong without any drama.
Start this week.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Tell me what feels okay.”
“I am committed to you.”
“I respect your feelings.”
“Let us agree on contact.”
“I trust you.”
“We come first.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Talk about past partners
Agree on contact
Be honest and open
Respect feelings
Do not compare
Manage social media
Review
Further reading
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace (Nedra Tawwab)
- Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
- The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Healthy Boundaries and Respect”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Respect Privacy and TrustNext: Respond When Someone Ignores Your Boundary →
- What Is a Boundary?
- Why Boundaries Make Love Stronger
- Know Your Own Limits
- Spot Where You Need Boundaries
- Say No Without Guilt
- Explain Your Needs Calmly
- Use Short, Clear Words
- Repeat Your Boundary Gently
- Ask for Alone Time Kindly
- Keep Your Friends and Hobbies
- Share Time Fairly
- Respect Their Space Too
- Set Phone and Social Media Rules
- Agree on Money Boundaries
- Respect Privacy and Trust
- Handle Exes and Old Friends
- Respond When Someone Ignores Your Boundary
- Handle Guilt Trips and Pressure
- Stay Calm and Firm
- Know When to Leave
