The Liking Gap Explained
Forty clear lessons about the liking gap, the proven habit of underestimating how much new people like us, and how to close it.
The liking gap is good news. It says you are probably better liked than you think.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), Quiet (Susan Cain), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
What the liking gap is
Researchers found that after a short chat, people believe their partner likes them less than their partner actually does. The difference is called the liking gap.
Remember the term and say it to yourself after a chat.
Who found it
Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom and Margaret Clark published the liking-gap study in 2018 in Psychological Science. It has since been tested in many settings.
Search for the study title, “The Liking Gap in Conversations”.
Strangers in a lab
In the study, strangers had a conversation, then rated how much they enjoyed it and how much they thought their partner did. They underrated their partner’s enjoyment.
Imagine the same experiment after your last chat.
Why it happens: harsh self-monitoring
In a conversation, you hear your own stumbles loudly and the other person’s kindly. This tilts your guess about their view.
Notice when your inner critic is the loudest voice.
Why it happens: you hold yourself to a high bar
You judge your performance against an ideal. Others compare you with nothing in particular, so they just enjoy the chat.
Lower the bar to “friendly and curious”.
Why it happens: you see your insides
You feel your racing heart. They only see your face. The gap between feelings and appearances widens the liking gap.
Remind yourself, “They cannot see my heartbeat.”
It shows up in real life too
The liking gap appeared among first-year students sharing a dorm and among workshop participants. It does not fade quickly without a conscious effort.
Think of a real group where you assumed people liked you less.
It affects friendships
If you believe people dislike you, you hold back from inviting them. They hold back for the same reason. Both sides wait.
Be the one who makes the first small move.
Close the gap by guessing higher
Add ten points to your guess of how much they liked you. This small shift corrects a typical error.
Rate a chat, then add ten percent.
Close the gap by asking
A simple “I enjoyed this, did you?” invites real feedback. Most people reply warmly.
Ask someone you chatted with, “Did you enjoy that as much as I did?”
Close the gap by following up
A friendly text a day later proves the connection is real. It also turns a hunch into a fact.
Send a follow-up message within 48 hours.
The gap is bigger with more worry
The more anxious you are, the bigger the underestimate tends to be. Calming yourself before a chat helps the gap shrink.
Breathe slowly for one minute before you start talking.
It works both ways
The other person also underestimates how much you like them. They may be sitting there wondering the same thing.
Tell someone you enjoyed their company.
Say the nice thing out loud
Complimenting or thanking someone is a quick way to close the gap on both sides. It turns silent thoughts into warmth they can feel.
Say, “I really enjoyed talking to you,” at the end of a chat.
Check for friendly signals
Leaning in, laughing, asking questions and staying longer are signs of enjoyment. Learn to read them.
List three signs people showed that they liked talking with you.
Do not read silence as rejection
If someone does not reply for a day, they may simply be busy. A late reply is not a verdict.
Wait three days before assuming anything.
Be the first to say hello
If everyone is waiting for someone else to start, friendliness never begins. Starting breaks the stalemate.
Say hello first at your next gathering.
The gap and the spotlight team up
The spotlight effect makes us think we are watched. The liking gap makes us think we are judged. Both are exaggerations.
Name both when your mind starts to worry.
Practise with small chats
Brief chats, like those at a bus stop or in a queue, are great practice for seeing how often people respond kindly.
Chat for one minute with someone in a queue.
Keep a liking log
Write down each chat and one sign the other person enjoyed it. Over time you will see the pattern.
Start a log with three entries this week.
Consider why they said yes
Someone who agreed to meet you again liked you enough to give you their time. That is evidence, not luck.
Remember one person who chose to spend time with you.
Your inner narrator is biased
The voice that says “That went badly” is not an impartial reporter. It is an anxious storyteller.
Ask, “Is this the narrator, or the facts?”
Do not wait for proof before trying
The liking gap shows that waiting for proof of liking leads to misjudgement. Act with the assumption that people are friendly.
Start your next chat with the thought, “This person is probably kind.”
Treat first impressions as improvable
People update how they see you with every meeting. First chats are a start, not a verdict.
Plan a second meeting with someone you like.
The longer you know someone, the less the gap matters
As friendships deepen, we learn how much people enjoy us. Time is the cure.
Keep investing in one friendship for the next three months.
Share your appreciation early
Telling a new friend what you enjoy about them builds trust fast. It also invites the same in return.
Say, “I like how you explain things,” to someone today.
Look at the smile
A real smile reaches the eyes and lasts a little. If you saw that, you can trust the liking.
Notice one genuine smile in your next chat.
Notice if they leaned in
People lean toward people they like. If they leaned in, they were interested.
Watch for forward leans next time.
See if they asked you questions
People ask questions when they want to know more. Questions are a sign of liking, not of testing.
Count the questions you were asked in your last chat.
See if they stayed
If someone stays longer than needed, they are enjoying the time. Duration is evidence.
Note how long a chat lasted and who ended it.
Think about what you would feel
If a new friend were nervous around you, would you like them less? Probably not. You would feel kind towards them.
Imagine a friend who is nervous. Notice your kindness.
Make friends with feedback
Every chat gives you information. Treat it as a gentle experiment, not as a test of your worth.
After a chat, ask, “What did I learn?”
Compliment their effort
Telling someone, “You made me feel welcome,” makes them glow. It also confirms the connection.
Say a thank-you for something specific.
Invite them to something small
Inviting someone to a casual plan is a clear sign you enjoyed them. It also gives them a chance to say yes.
Invite someone to a walk or a coffee.
Remember the real research
The liking gap is a documented, repeated finding, not a pep talk. Science is on your side.
Write the phrase “The liking gap is real” on a note.
Talk back to the "they hate me" thought
When this thought appears, answer with, “Maybe not. The research says I underestimate.” It is a calm counter.
Say your counter out loud once.
Teach the idea to a friend
Explaining the liking gap to someone else cements it for you and helps them too. Sharing knowledge is a form of kindness.
Tell one friend about the liking gap this week.
Make it a habit
The gap does not vanish after one reminder. Use a simple routine to keep correcting your guess.
After each chat, pause and say, “I probably did better than I think.”
Use the gap to take the first step
Because people like you more than you guess, reaching out is less risky than it feels. The odds are in your favour.
Message one person you would like to know better.
Let the good news sink in
Read the finding twice and let it comfort you. Feeling liked is a fact you are allowed to enjoy.
Take a quiet minute to notice that people probably like you.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I bet they liked me more than I think.”
“I will follow up because I enjoyed it.”
“I really liked talking to you.”
“I can enjoy chats without scoring them.”
“What did you enjoy most about today?”
“Thank you for sharing your story.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Read about the liking gap
Predict how a chat will go
Compare with reality
Tell someone you enjoyed talking
Send a follow-up
Ask a friend about their feelings after meeting new people
Journal one insight
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
- Quiet (Susan Cain)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
