Make Time for Deep Talks
Forty easy tips to make time for deep talks, so you keep growing close year after year.
Deep talks build deep love. Make the space.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why deep talks matter
Deep talks help you know each other’s hopes and fears. Over time they make love steady and strong.
Plan one.
Plan a regular time
Choose a weekly time for a longer talk, such as Sunday afternoon. A plan makes it happen.
Pick a time.
Choose a cosy place
A quiet cafe, a park bench or the sofa with tea works well. Comfort helps people open up.
Choose a spot.
Turn off screens and noise
Close laptops, silence phones and give your attention. This is rare and valuable.
Switch off.
Start with something light
Begin with a friendly question and warm up. Deep talk grows from comfort.
Start light.
Use deeper questions
Try, what are you proud of this year? or what do you want to change? Deep questions open hearts.
Pick two.
Share your own truth
Open up about a hope or a fear. Vulnerability invites vulnerability.
Share one.
Listen without fixing
Let them speak and do not rush to solve. Understanding comes first.
Listen.
Give time for silence
Pauses let deeper thoughts rise. Do not fill every gap.
Sit in the quiet.
Keep what is shared private
Respect trust and keep secrets safe. Trust makes deep talks possible.
Be discreet.
End with appreciation
Thank each other for the talk. A warm ending leaves a glow.
Say thanks.
Example: the Sunday walk
Zoe and Ian walk every Sunday and talk about dreams. They say it renews their love.
Try it.
Example: the question cards
Nell and Sam use a deck of question cards once a week. It brings surprising stories.
Use cards.
Example: the quiet start
Pia sat with her partner for five quiet minutes before talking, and the talk went deeper than usual.
Try silence.
Script: inviting
Would you like to have a long talk on Sunday afternoon? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: deeper question
What is something you are proud of that I may not know? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: sharing
There is something I have been thinking about, and I would like to share it. Say it softly.
Use it.
Script: thanking
Thank you for opening up, I feel closer to you. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: starting a deep talk when tired
Weariness makes talks tense, so pick a rested moment.
Choose rested time.
Mistake: bringing up fights in a deep talk
Keep it warm and curious, so save problem-solving for another time.
Stay warm.
Mistake: using deep talk as a lecture
Share and listen equally, so take turns.
Take turns.
Troubleshoot: when your partner dislikes deep talks
Start with short, light versions or side-by-side activities like walks. Comfort grows.
Try walking.
Troubleshoot: when you have no time
Use ten minutes in the car or before sleep. Even a short deep talk counts.
Use small slots.
Troubleshoot: when talks turn into fights
Pause, breathe, and return to listening. Agree on a stop word.
Agree a stop word.
Drill: plan one deep talk this week
Put a time in your calendar and choose two questions for it.
Plan it.
Drill: ask one deep question and listen
Ask one meaningful question and listen for five minutes without interrupting.
Try it.
Book idea: the deep talk habit
Gottman’s love maps show that knowing each other’s inner world protects love through stress, change and long years.
Update one map today.
Book idea: vulnerability builds closeness
Brené Brown teaches that sharing honest feelings, even when it feels risky, creates the deepest trust between people.
Share one real thing.
Myth: deep talks must be heavy and long
A deep talk can be short, warm and even funny, as long as it is honest and kind.
Keep it gentle.
Myth: long relationships have nothing left to discover
People grow and change all the time, so fresh questions always reveal new parts of your partner.
Ask a fresh question.
Story: Maya and Ian’s Sunday walk
Maya and Ian walked each Sunday and chose one deeper question, and soon they felt like newly dating again.
Plan a walk.
Story: Femi shares a hidden fear
Femi told his wife about a worry he had hidden for months, and she said thank you for trusting me.
Trust a little.
Journal: what do I long to share but have not yet?
Naming the thing helps you find the courage and the words, and you can then choose a safe moment.
Write one sentence.
Journal: what would make it safer for me to open up?
Listing your needs, such as no interruptions or no advice, helps your partner support you well.
Write two needs.
Challenge: one deep talk each week
A regular slot for honest conversation creates a bond that daily chatter cannot build.
Pick a time.
Challenge: swap three dreams
Sharing hopes for the future builds a feeling of shared purpose and gives you ideas for planning together.
Take turns.
Green flag: you feel closer after a deep talk
Feeling warmer and lighter afterwards shows the talk was safe and valuable for both of you.
Notice it tonight.
Red flag: secrets used as weapons in a later fight
Using what someone shared in trust against them destroys safety, so protect each other’s stories.
Agree on a rule.
Say this: I would like to talk about something that matters to me
A clear, warm opening prepares your partner and shows that you respect their attention.
Use it this week.
Quick win: choose a calm, private place
Comfortable settings make honesty easier, so pick a sofa, a walk or a quiet cafe.
Choose one now.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Would you like to talk tonight?”
“Let us turn off the noise.”
“I want to share something.”
“I am listening.”
“Thank you for opening up.”
“I feel closer to you.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Pick a quiet time
Turn off screens
Choose a cosy spot
Start with a gentle question
Share one deep thing
Listen without fixing
End with warmth
Further reading
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Talking and Listening as Partners”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Share Good News TogetherNext: Pick the Right Time to Talk →
- Give Your Full Attention
- Listen Without Fixing
- Ask Gentle Questions
- Repeat Back What You Heard
- Use I Feel Instead of You Always
- Name Your Feelings Clearly
- Ask for What You Need
- Share the Small Worries Early
- The Daily Check-In
- Ask Better Questions Than How Was Your Day
- Share Good News Together
- Make Time for Deep Talks
- Pick the Right Time to Talk
- Start Softly
- Say Hard Things Kindly
- Take a Break When Things Get Heated
- How Men and Women Often Talk Differently
- Understand Your Partner’s Communication Style
- Read Body Language and Tone
- Make a Weekly Talking Habit
